Why are Ukrainian hotties harassing poor Sir Keir?

When I heard that a gang of male models were targeting the Prime Minister I rather thought someone was talking about the Zoolander. This is, of course, the comedy in which Ben Stiller's male model character – who is 'really, really good-looking' – is brainwashed into trying to assassinate the Malaysian Prime Minster at the behest of an evil fashion mogul.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I discovered that it was actually our very own Dear Leader who is being targeted by roving gangs of super hot young men. To date, three Ukrainians – albeit one holding a Romanian passport – have been arrested in relation to intimate knowledge about Sir Keir's arson-affected property.

Stanislav Carpiuc

The details are, well, odd. Somehow this gang of aspiring ‘models’ had enough intel to target a car that, until last year, belonged to Keir Starmer – having subsequently been sold to a neighbour (as you do) – and a property that Sir Keir has not lived in since 1997. How they came about this peculiarly specific set of facts is not yet known.

Their modus operandi – utilising the sophisticated means of a bottle of white spirit and a lighter – hardly suggests the work of a foreign state. While the British consistently look down their nose at so-called 'near-peers', even the snootiest observer would agree that the GRU et al would have more sophisticated means available to them. This, instead, is pure amateur hour stuff.

In another instance of life imitating art, it reminds me of the scene from Zoolander below.

So, why are a gang of young, strapping Ukrainian models probing so deeply into Sir Keir's affairs?

The press seem peculiarly disinterested. No doubt there are many things to write about: Sir Keir has what we might term the 'Shite-as' touch; a faecal equivalent of the Midas touch, wherein everything he touches soon dissolves into traitorous effluence. But still, they report the facts obediently and dryly as if reporting a traffic violation in Wolverhampton.

Yet it's all quite peculiar. If I were being harassed by a group of 'actors' and 'models' all from the same country, some inferences could be made and eyebrows raised. Especially if I were sending untold piles of cash and arms to that very same land.

It makes you wonder if people are being told not to speak about it, or whether simply the silence reflects a wider, unshakeable unwillingness by Establishment lackeys to rock the boat. With a government ever-ready to resort to lawfare, perhaps people fear the consequences of asking about this arson: we are far past the point of believing that freedom of speech exists in our country any more. Take one look at Lucy Connolly to see how readily the apparatus of the state will punish a thoughtcrime.

Anyway, if something seems off, then it usually is. And this, dear reader, all seems very odd indeed.